New Losses, But Never Alone
My last post was titled “Come on 2013, This month sucks..”. Had I waited another week, I could have made it a much longer post.
When I got the call that my dad was gone, It was almost like a movie. Im at home, cleaning up..listening to some music. The actual song was:
If you’ve heard the song.. you know its a pretty upbeat.
I see that my uncle is calling. He’s typically long winded, and I was about to send him to voice mail… but I was curious as to why he was calling me this morning. He says “O, I have some bad news.”. I knew it was my dad or grandma.. one of the two. When he said it was my dad, I had this feeling I’ve never experienced before. It was like I left my body and was looking at myself as i was taking this news on the phone. I hung up. I just cried. I felt so bad. Although I knew his days was numbered with his drug use, I just thought he was live longer. I told my uncle that I wanted to be the one to tell my sister. I wanted to wait until she was off work, but word was traveling faster than I wanted it too. My mom and I goes up to her job. Today, shes happy as hell.. which makes this news I’m about to drop on her even harder to do. I tell her, and she just breaks down crying. I cry again. Its just a water works session.
The initial story was that he was just found dead in a field. He had went missing early January. I knew none of this until the day I found out he passed. I hadn’t talked to him since early December. It was common for him to drift off for a few days when he was using. He’d resurface after his money and the high was gone. I assume that why my fam never told me that he was missing. It was all kinds of speculation as to how he died. The medical examiners report wasn’t complete, so any theories we had weren’t based on truths.
I got the police report and it never talked about homicide. He had drug paraphernalia on him when he was found. My thoughts were did he get beat to death over some drugs? Did he use too much? I really just wanted to know the truth.
My dad’s wife asked me to speak at the funeral. I was honored and scared at the same time. I had a week to prepare..although I didn’t really start preparing until 2 days before. At the funeral, I told the guests that I forgave my father years ago for the lack of presence he had in my life.. and encouraged them to forgive those to has hurt them. I shared about how although he wasn’t in my life much, I was never fatherless. I had many men in my life that helped me become who I am today. From coaches, mentors, other fathers.. I was never without a dad figure. Finally.. I told them that my last dealings with my dad were good.. no grudges or anything.. and for that, I am happy.
We didn’t get word on how my dad died until after the funeral. He overdosed on heroine. I had some peace knowing that it wasn’t someone else that took his like. My dad was his own enemy. He fought for years to kick the drug habit, and just didn’t work out. My dad had been using most of my life.. so for almost 25+ years.
This is the second time he overdosed with heroine.
This happens maybe 5 or so years ago. He was somehow revived with some counter drug. For most the years he’d be using drugs, he used crack. After that time, he made vows to get straight. Vows he’d made all my life.
I truly loved my dad. With all the shit we’ve been through, I never stopped loving him. When I forgave him, it was like we had a fresh new relationship. I never looked back on the bad and I just hoped that he would get himself together. It worked out a little differently than I wanted it to be.
Forgiveness is the word for the year.